A conversation with the New Democrats.
To all the people who have lost their homes in California, we are sorry fires keep breaking out on federal land. We have not restored the Forest Service budget since 2017.
But you must understand, as part of our master strategy, we need to compromise with the Republicans to move things through. In the long term, this will end up being better for all Americans because… well… compromise is the highest virtue of society.
We must get along with our neighbors no matter who they are. Being friendly with others is the most paramount value.
Oh, your dog died after your house was engulfed by a forest fire? I’m truly sorry, but there’s nothing we can do about it.
Your dog gave his life for his country. We are working towards a better society for all, you must understand this.
What better society? Well, you see, as part of our negotiation tactic we cannot show our hand. We need to keep our cards close as we are part of very complicated negotiations which are absolutely necessary in order to maintain control of government for the future. We cannot tell you our entire strategy, because that would make us look weak.
Hold on, I’m getting a call from the Kremlin, they are saying that if we put boots on the ground in Ukraine they are going to bomb New York. Let me just apologize to the Ukrainians that while their grandmothers are being raped and killed by the Russians that we just can’t prevent it and they are a sacrifice as part of our greater plan towards Unity.
Unity is the paramount value of the Southern Democratic Party. The tall blade of grass is the first to get mowed, so don’t stand out.
Damn, hold on, I just saw on the news that every Democrat who lost their seat in the midterms in 2022 was a member of our caucus, regardless of the political swing of the district. Why won’t you just accept we are right?
Fuck, Elizabeth Warren keeps calling us to restore funding for the Forest Service, she is so annoying, hold on.
Yes, Senator McConnell? Oh yeah, sure, we can scrap the funding for post natal care from the funding bill, yes we do believe you, you won’t filibuster it now? Great. I’ll call Senator Manchin and tell him to kill that welfare money. See you at the golf club on Saturday.
Sorry, where were we? We need you to accept on faith that we know what we are doing and things will work out. Trust us. The election is in a few months and we will definitely win this election.
*A few months later*
Trump wins a plurality of the popular vote.
You fucking progressives didn’t vote for us again? You are traitors to the party, and you might as well be… oh wait, hold on, I’m getting a call from my staffer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY HIGHEST VOTE TURNOUT WAS FROM THOSE FUCKING COMMIES! Where are the middle class white suburbanite families?! You mean they swung to Trump? What happened with college students? Oh right, they still voted for us overall, but at a lower amount. Ok, people who grew up under Comrade Obama still vote Democrat, damn. What about people who grew up under my good friend Bill? They voted Republican!? What is it, the Defense of Marriage Act, Rwanda Genocide, or deregulation of Wall Street? Fuck. Who kept their seats?
Fuck, AOC is still in Congress. We won in West Virginia, right? God dammit, we lost West Virginia. Arizona? Oh, we have that socialist Gallego in there now. Both Manchin and Sinema are gone, damn, I liked them. Gallego is going to be such a pain in the ass.
Our numbers are thinning, Trump won the election, our most reasonable Senators are gone, and Trump has a trifecta.
It looks like our strategy failed.
It’s time for a change. Vote progressive.